Area woman wishes somebody would call...anybody

Area woman finds herself wishing anyone would call her. "I don't give a crap if you are a solicitor or making a death threat...please call me, if you are a man" area woman says. In an attempt to men get people to call her she has put her name, phone number, and a nude picture on the bathroom wall of a number of men's bathrooms in the area.

Mononucleosis named State Disease of Connecticut

The 118th congress of The State of Connecticut has declared that Mononucleosis is the State Disease of Connecticut. State senator Chris Fatima stated, "At first we just thought the name was cool, so we totally made up the State Disease of Connecticut title and put the disease Mononucleosis on the bill." "We especially like the 'nucleosis' part of the name and wish that more diseases be named with 'nucleosis' in them." "We started digging about and found that the disease is perfect for our state, because the symptoms match normal reactions to life in Connecticut." "Most people placidly go about their lives in this state, so its natural to feel a sense of chronic fatigue even when driving through this wasteland named Connecticut." "Let's face it, this state is a boring suburban wasteland leached onto New York...oh god please let the sweet release of death come soon"

Salt Lake city resident shot with taser 22 times for jaywalking.

Salt Lake city resident George Gregos was shot with a taser a record 22 times after jaywalking at the corner of Westin Ave and 5th street.

In an concerted zero tolerance operation between the Salt Lake city PD anti-jaywalking squad and the FBI, paid for by homeland security funds, jay walkers were treated to new law enforcement techniques that were prototyped in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Area Man stops all known forms of known human communication, starts barking and purring

After being laid off by the Molex corporation area man David Duvine stops all form of known human communication and resorts to barking and purring to communicate.

Follow my blog or I will electrocute a Dolphin

Seriously, this is a fucking joke. Nothing in this blog is true...except the fact that I am in New York now. So if you are an wacko that actually reads this and is motivated to calling the ASPCA don't say I didn't warn you when they laugh their asses of at you for taking this as a serious threat to animals. I couldn't afford a dolphin anyway. If you want to send me some money for me to buy a dolphin I will spend it on beer anyway.

Man strips to "stripped"

Donald Caruthers of West Manasset Connecticut was cited for putting on a striptease display at a local Starbucks to the Depeche Mode song "Stripped" according the police blotter in the Cold Snow County Register.

In an incident viewed as "The 9-11 for Sheboygan Springs", village council members are hounding the federal government for more home security funding in the wake of the strip tease display. "Life will never be the same in Sheboygan," said village elder Gahan Slim. "Lutheran churces are overloaded with those in mourning for the part of their lives lost to seeing this man in nothing but his briefs." "I just want a piece of my life before back," said mourner Lindsay Leeper "to say this man's man boobs were just...enourmous would be a drastic understatement. Their impact on my life will be felt for years. The children will never be the same, there is an unspoken trauma that they have been a part of now." Red Cross volunteer coordinator Kep Catsgrin added "We get these kind of calls a lot. Some pasty skinned out of shape middle aged asshole gets caught up in the music and sometimes strips! Thats where we have to get called in to try and bring back a part of these peoples lives back, we have to be there to tell them that all is ok ."

Dog excited about new barking opportunities

Area Dog "Toodles" is exited to be moving into a junkyard after growing up in the northern suburbs of New York City. Human Canine communication experts claim that "Toodles" has always wanted be a junkyard dog is excited to be afforded the many new opportunities to express his vicious side. After owner Mark Numar had been furloughed from his job in middle management at the Stripeled corportation he was forced into living in a junkyard with his Unkle Ramun Numar after the bank foreclosed on posh estate in Kepgrove New York.

"It's all that stupid dog's fault" says Mr Numar, "He was caught humping my bosses cat". After Mr Numar was cited for unlawful inter-species mating, he was "forced into a self-destructive cycle" where he was caught trying to "re-paint his bosses car to pink" with a large number of spray paint cans he had bought from the local Walmart.

"Its not my fault they sale Jack Daniels and paint at the same place" claims Mr Numar.