Con-men getting hit hard by the economic crisis

Russell Smith of The Totally Useless Index corporation keeps careful watch of the numbers in his Slimeball index and has reported that numbers across the board are dramatically down this quarter.

"We seeing a real big downturn in the amount money these sleaze are getting conning old and weak people out of." "Before these people that get conned lost their life savings to preachers and long-con artists, now its stock-brokers, mortgage backed securities, and ponzi-scheme artists that are getting all of the play."

"You just don't see these con artist assholes buying cigar boats and spending the money to get these gold digger trophy bimbos to sit in their bikinis on the back engine cover cushions while their big tits bounce along with the waves they are creating as they carelessly plow through no wake zones at high speed anymore." "Its really much more peaceful in the waters of Daytona or South Padre these days...and that is a sad fact that comes with these economically troubled times."

Green Peace Whale Warriors stop fighting Japanese whalers after realizing how delicious Humpback whale tastes

This week the Greenpeace ship "whale warrior one" gave up whale warrior operations against the Japanese whaling fleet hunting for the endangered humpback whale and headed back to Seattle after realizing how actually delicious the humpback was.

Greenpeace Vice President of Whale Operations Greg Nseer (name unpronounceable) "Yeah they showed up drunk and eating leftover whale meat dinners. They almost took out the whole fisherman's wharf when they decided forgo to steering the ship after they got into Seattle harbor. Apparently the idiots tied the wheel to the captains chair and left the throttle to full deciding that everyone should participate in an orgy of leftover seared humpback and sake they got in barter for wasabi. They saw dry land and just headed for it at high speed"

Greg Nseer explains the dramatic scene as the Whale warrior one comes back into the harbor. "So we saw a ship coming into Seattle harbor at full speed and helplessly watched as they crashed right into the Fisherman's wharf. They destroyed a cotton candy stand, a stand that serves chowder in bread bowls, and even a fucking world wildlife foundation stuffed animal kiosk". "We thought what kind of idiots would do something that stupid? and just continued eating our vegetarian lunch". Greg laments "We found out it was Whale warrior one when the lawyers for the World wildlife foundation and the press paid us a friendly visit.

First deck mate Sage Rainbow-Holocaust explains details of what had happened on Whale Warrior One. "Well we meant well, we just got a little carried away when our supply of Wasabi sauce ran out so we declared a truce with Japanese flag ship and sent over a dingy to procure the wasabi for our vegetarian sushi lunches." She continues "The dingy came back full japanese of japanese sushi chefs." "It was incredible, we just watched in awe as they turned the ships shitty little galley into a full 5 star kitchen. It was like that Star Trek episode where the Borg cooked for the entire enterprise err....maybe that was some other show or something." "Anyway they served us this stuff seared with a delicious Gorgonzola suace" "I asked the chef if this was vegetarian and he just kept nodding and smiling...so I had no idea what I was eating ok!" "Everything was so delicious and we ate a ton of it." "After that I just had no interest in doing anything...all the colors were so brilliant". "The next thing I know I wake up totally naked and for some reason I had wasabi in my cooch"

Captain Swift Hunter elaborates "I think that the humpback is the most delicious thing I have ever eaten. If we could only shrink them down and farm them...we could make millions!"

"Don't bother us while we are eating" the nations CEOs say almost unanimously

This week, a survey done by the fat fucks at the Heritage foundation found that 99% of CEOs are enraged when people do not respect their lunch hours by making calls their private cell phones. Chrysler CEO Howie Stetsler explains how he feels when when asked during an interview with Heritage's reporter Mark Fuhrman for the survey.

Mr Fuhrman asks "So what exactly is you grievance against people calling your on your lunch hour?". To which Mr Stetsler replies "People obviously don't get that laying people off takes a shitload of energy and I need downtime/relaxation/pussy. In other words don't call me on my fucking lunch hour.", says Chrysler big wig Howie Stetsler. "I mean jesus christ, its blah blah blah this from union people with their "its christmas time please don't leave people in the cold" thing , then is blah blah that from the goddamned saints in HR who "have found a way to save 3000 jobs!!"". Mr Fuhrman states "Well those obviously sound like legitimate reasons to call you anytime sir, you are after all the creme of the corporate crop with Ivy League degrees, a word class salary, and access to a private jet." Stetsler replies "I don't really give a shit about there so called "crisis" situations or saving jobs, I am trying to fucking eat my seared humpback whale in peace! These people are the lucky ones that haven't been replaced by robots or been sent to India, they should leave the me fuck alone and be grateful for leniency I have shown them."

Stetsler tells "One time I spent months and like a couple hundred grand trying to get reservations at Wolfgang Puck's new underwater restaurant (Le Whale). And then I had to spend a couple of million fucking chartering a submarine to the restaurant so that I could get this hot bimbo from accounting with huge knockers and a pencil waist and we could make the reservation before she gets laid off (with the rest of the worthless bimbo accountants), because the regular submarine ferry service is full!!!!!". Stetsler says "I mean millions of dollars and decades in man hours so I can get laid by this hot chick underwater after eating endangered humpback whale in peace on my lunch hour, with no calls. Is that too much to ask?" With astonishment Stetsler adds, " And then I find that the restaurant has added cell towers placed underwater for some god forsaken reason, jesus christ on a pencil stick!! Then the fucking nerve of people that have the balls to call me on my lunch hour about some employee "crisis" while I have spent so much effort to get this date, should have their balls chopped off!!!!!!!!". Stetsler finally says when interviewed "Can't I get laid underwater, after eating whale meat, and spending millions of corporate dollars in peace????!!!!"

Mark Fuhrman asks "Mr Stetlser, don't you think that is a blatant waste or corporate money and goes against your duties as the CEO of a major corporation?" Mr Stetlser answers, "Leave me the fuck alone I need to go kill some baby seals and take some steam off. Sheeesh!!!!"

Iraqi General "Chemical" Ali mistaken for "Photochemical" Ali the Photomat manager

An oversight committee has revealed that US troops killed a photomat manager instead of a general who was accused of using chemical weapons on civilians during the Iran Iraq war.

The committee revealed that the real chemical Ali was spotted as a judge at a film festival, judging films on the death of civilians in war. He suspiciously mentioned "You should have seen the faces of the ones I butchered" to Michael Moore, who assumed mister Ali was talking about the animals he butchered at his popular chain of meat markets.

Apparently US forces also missed the fact that mister Ali had opened up a chain of meat markets called "Ali the Butcher of many people and animals, Fresh Meats and Noxious Chemicals " with the reconstruction money offered by the US administration. "We assumed he was an entrepreneur that bared a strong resemblance to the fugitive, but he had gold teeth which the original chemical Ali did not have". Michael Moore commented "He made some of best pastrami I ever had, its too bad he was a mass murderer, because he had talent and a good eye for war movies"

Further investigations found a coverup by US troops of the chemicals found at the house of the photomat manager they had shot, stabbed, and finally fired hellfire missiles at. The investigations showed that they found gallons of photodeveloper at Mr Alis residence. The investigation also found a scribbled note in the file of the operation which read "Oops we killed "photochemical" Ali the local photomat operator and his whole family our bad." The note appeared to be redrafted with red lines so that it read "We killed "chemical" Ali and his whole family" and was sent to the UPI as a press release noting the death of "Chemical" Ali.

Poem on Coffee

Coffee in, Coffee out, speedy travel is what it's all about
Gulp it down and pinch your nose if its cheap and yucky
Drink it slowly and enjoy its flavor, if its freshly roasted, you got lucky!

DMX makes a cover of the jazz classic “The Girl from Ipanema” called “The Hairy Bitch from Ipa(nema)”

Arista records is proud to announce that cutting edge hip hop artist DMX has a cover of the jazz classic “The Girl from Ipanema” called the “The Hairy Bitch from Ipa(nema)”. DMX adds his signature baselines and boisterous barking and vocals to make the “The Hairy Bitch from Ipa(nema)” into a hip hop masterpiece.

When asked about his motivations behind creating the cover he states “Yo dog I just kept jonesin when I was hearing all of this foreign language shit, and then I was enraged when this english chick starts talking about about how this hairy bitch was dissin one of the best jazz playas in the world.” DMX adds, “ So dog, I shit out this version, in true DMX style, where this nappy bitch does a back flip and lands on my man’s dick the minute he throws down on this stuck up ho. Shit he doesn't have tell her he loves her boney ass, I flipped the bitch, where she can't get enough of his dick."

Man kills last of extinct fly specie with Buddhist holy book.

The fly was the parnivas wholecanloieus and was killed by Josh Branston of Eaton, Ill with his newly minted version of the Bhagavad Gita "The divine song of god" a holy text that advocates peace towards all animals and insect species.