Area woman wishes somebody would call...anybody

Area woman finds herself wishing anyone would call her. "I don't give a crap if you are a solicitor or making a death threat...please call me, if you are a man" area woman says. In an attempt to men get people to call her she has put her name, phone number, and a nude picture on the bathroom wall of a number of men's bathrooms in the area.

Mononucleosis named State Disease of Connecticut

The 118th congress of The State of Connecticut has declared that Mononucleosis is the State Disease of Connecticut. State senator Chris Fatima stated, "At first we just thought the name was cool, so we totally made up the State Disease of Connecticut title and put the disease Mononucleosis on the bill." "We especially like the 'nucleosis' part of the name and wish that more diseases be named with 'nucleosis' in them." "We started digging about and found that the disease is perfect for our state, because the symptoms match normal reactions to life in Connecticut." "Most people placidly go about their lives in this state, so its natural to feel a sense of chronic fatigue even when driving through this wasteland named Connecticut." "Let's face it, this state is a boring suburban wasteland leached onto New York...oh god please let the sweet release of death come soon"

Salt Lake city resident shot with taser 22 times for jaywalking.

Salt Lake city resident George Gregos was shot with a taser a record 22 times after jaywalking at the corner of Westin Ave and 5th street.

In an concerted zero tolerance operation between the Salt Lake city PD anti-jaywalking squad and the FBI, paid for by homeland security funds, jay walkers were treated to new law enforcement techniques that were prototyped in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Area Man stops all known forms of known human communication, starts barking and purring

After being laid off by the Molex corporation area man David Duvine stops all form of known human communication and resorts to barking and purring to communicate.

Follow my blog or I will electrocute a Dolphin

Seriously, this is a fucking joke. Nothing in this blog is true...except the fact that I am in New York now. So if you are an wacko that actually reads this and is motivated to calling the ASPCA don't say I didn't warn you when they laugh their asses of at you for taking this as a serious threat to animals. I couldn't afford a dolphin anyway. If you want to send me some money for me to buy a dolphin I will spend it on beer anyway.

Man strips to "stripped"

Donald Caruthers of West Manasset Connecticut was cited for putting on a striptease display at a local Starbucks to the Depeche Mode song "Stripped" according the police blotter in the Cold Snow County Register.

In an incident viewed as "The 9-11 for Sheboygan Springs", village council members are hounding the federal government for more home security funding in the wake of the strip tease display. "Life will never be the same in Sheboygan," said village elder Gahan Slim. "Lutheran churces are overloaded with those in mourning for the part of their lives lost to seeing this man in nothing but his briefs." "I just want a piece of my life before back," said mourner Lindsay Leeper "to say this man's man boobs were just...enourmous would be a drastic understatement. Their impact on my life will be felt for years. The children will never be the same, there is an unspoken trauma that they have been a part of now." Red Cross volunteer coordinator Kep Catsgrin added "We get these kind of calls a lot. Some pasty skinned out of shape middle aged asshole gets caught up in the music and sometimes strips! Thats where we have to get called in to try and bring back a part of these peoples lives back, we have to be there to tell them that all is ok ."

Dog excited about new barking opportunities

Area Dog "Toodles" is exited to be moving into a junkyard after growing up in the northern suburbs of New York City. Human Canine communication experts claim that "Toodles" has always wanted be a junkyard dog is excited to be afforded the many new opportunities to express his vicious side. After owner Mark Numar had been furloughed from his job in middle management at the Stripeled corportation he was forced into living in a junkyard with his Unkle Ramun Numar after the bank foreclosed on posh estate in Kepgrove New York.

"It's all that stupid dog's fault" says Mr Numar, "He was caught humping my bosses cat". After Mr Numar was cited for unlawful inter-species mating, he was "forced into a self-destructive cycle" where he was caught trying to "re-paint his bosses car to pink" with a large number of spray paint cans he had bought from the local Walmart.

"Its not my fault they sale Jack Daniels and paint at the same place" claims Mr Numar.

State opens school for smelling impaired

New York state has established a school for the smelling impaired with funds taken from state orphanages. "With this money we shall offer a new world to those that can't smell. " Stated by David Patterson in a press conference from his newly renovated Greek renaissance style mansion. "We shalll offer free implants to those that can't smell and make the poor kids pay for it." When asked why the funds would be taken from poor kids he stated, "Screw 'em, their poor."

Area squirrel hasn't gotten laid in a "coon's age"

A male brown squirrel located in Westchester county New York, hasn't successfully been able to mate for an estimated two consecutive spring seasons. Scientists from Columbia University have been studying brain patterns in male squirrels in the greater New York City area. They have been able to tap into the brain waves of a select group of local squirrels who to appear to have complain about not mating recently. Chief egghead Lawrence Petrayus comments "We have been able to use a new brain wave patterning technology to pick apart their thoughts and emotions." "This really a huge breakthrough in rodent human inter-species communication, we are on the verge of a whole new age". Dr Petrayus says the following is a precise transcript what we believe are the thoughts of the frustrated squirrel.

"I think its the fucking economy or racism or maybe both," he says ," These grey chicks are obviously racist against us brown guys. The brown chicks are going for grey assholes these days because they have become such acorn diggers and trees seem to be dying off because these dickhead humans don't seem to have any money to water them anymore." He continues "Well its obviously a bullshit situation, and it has been a fucking coon's age since I have gotten laid."

When asked, Dr Petrayus says " I have no idea or where this squirrel could pick up on complex colloquialisms. Even I had to lookup the saying "coon's age" and I grew up in the south!"

Ankle put to the test and passed!

After a ruckus birthday celebration on Saturday night I decided to ignore a curb and step down it putting my foot at a 65% angle thus testing my ankle for stress factors. Good news is that it passed! I only sprained it! What I did not expect was that asking for a ride from some guy would lead him to call 911 and have all the police, fire, and EMS guys in town show up with sirens blazing. So I ended up scaring the crap of the whole family and set off every dog and cat in the neighborhood.

I give the Rye police a big thumbs up for their speedy response time and the fact that they didn't taze me. And thanks to the EMS guys for giving me a ride, in style, to the emergency room.

In New York now

Hey campers welcome from New York. I wish you well from about 25 miles north of Manhattan. This is the Empire State, where empires are built and more recently, liquidated and sold like PRGs at a garage sale in Baghdad. So this is where I am going to set up the set fast food chain stores server Kangaroo kebabs that I have always dreamed of. Ha! serving Kangaroos would inhuman because they are cute right? Well we can fix that by serving Humpback whale right? Ohh crap endangered! Well I could try to farm them...because I have this great idea to set up this store with a big whale head for the door and whale music inside and then you will come to a grill where we will serve them up like fish and chips. Don't forget to try our seasoned whale blubber frys!!

US Postal Service has introduced new "MILF rate"

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Bob Ross shows proven more effective than Demerol in government studies

These days the man with the big hair and the "happy trees" is really pissing off executives at the Pfizer drug company. Plasma screens with Bob Ross videos are steadily replacing the drug Demerol in hospitals and clinics around the country.

"We find that Bob Ross videos have twice the effectiveness of Demerol and the side effects are much more tolerable than the drugs." says Henry Hapsburg, the Dean of Medicine at the Harvard Teaching Hospital. He continues "The only thing we have to keep a watch over with Bob Ross videos is hypnotic effect it has on patients AND doctors.

We have had some near medical mishaps as doctors and patients experience the "Bob Ross drool effect"." "There is drool everywhere on the floors now, so we had to replace the pissed off janitors with new robots...which has really created a hell storm with the unions, but decreased costs" "Interestingly enough, the drool has cut down on restroom breaks, decreased stress, and increased productivity across the board. We just have to watch out for doctors drawn into the Bob Ross trance so that they don't do anything drastically wrong with a cast saw or catheter."