Area squirrel hasn't gotten laid in a "coon's age"

A male brown squirrel located in Westchester county New York, hasn't successfully been able to mate for an estimated two consecutive spring seasons. Scientists from Columbia University have been studying brain patterns in male squirrels in the greater New York City area. They have been able to tap into the brain waves of a select group of local squirrels who to appear to have complain about not mating recently. Chief egghead Lawrence Petrayus comments "We have been able to use a new brain wave patterning technology to pick apart their thoughts and emotions." "This really a huge breakthrough in rodent human inter-species communication, we are on the verge of a whole new age". Dr Petrayus says the following is a precise transcript what we believe are the thoughts of the frustrated squirrel.

"I think its the fucking economy or racism or maybe both," he says ," These grey chicks are obviously racist against us brown guys. The brown chicks are going for grey assholes these days because they have become such acorn diggers and trees seem to be dying off because these dickhead humans don't seem to have any money to water them anymore." He continues "Well its obviously a bullshit situation, and it has been a fucking coon's age since I have gotten laid."

When asked, Dr Petrayus says " I have no idea or where this squirrel could pick up on complex colloquialisms. Even I had to lookup the saying "coon's age" and I grew up in the south!"