Dog excited about new barking opportunities

Area Dog "Toodles" is exited to be moving into a junkyard after growing up in the northern suburbs of New York City. Human Canine communication experts claim that "Toodles" has always wanted be a junkyard dog is excited to be afforded the many new opportunities to express his vicious side. After owner Mark Numar had been furloughed from his job in middle management at the Stripeled corportation he was forced into living in a junkyard with his Unkle Ramun Numar after the bank foreclosed on posh estate in Kepgrove New York.

"It's all that stupid dog's fault" says Mr Numar, "He was caught humping my bosses cat". After Mr Numar was cited for unlawful inter-species mating, he was "forced into a self-destructive cycle" where he was caught trying to "re-paint his bosses car to pink" with a large number of spray paint cans he had bought from the local Walmart.

"Its not my fault they sale Jack Daniels and paint at the same place" claims Mr Numar.

State opens school for smelling impaired

New York state has established a school for the smelling impaired with funds taken from state orphanages. "With this money we shall offer a new world to those that can't smell. " Stated by David Patterson in a press conference from his newly renovated Greek renaissance style mansion. "We shalll offer free implants to those that can't smell and make the poor kids pay for it." When asked why the funds would be taken from poor kids he stated, "Screw 'em, their poor."

Area squirrel hasn't gotten laid in a "coon's age"

A male brown squirrel located in Westchester county New York, hasn't successfully been able to mate for an estimated two consecutive spring seasons. Scientists from Columbia University have been studying brain patterns in male squirrels in the greater New York City area. They have been able to tap into the brain waves of a select group of local squirrels who to appear to have complain about not mating recently. Chief egghead Lawrence Petrayus comments "We have been able to use a new brain wave patterning technology to pick apart their thoughts and emotions." "This really a huge breakthrough in rodent human inter-species communication, we are on the verge of a whole new age". Dr Petrayus says the following is a precise transcript what we believe are the thoughts of the frustrated squirrel.

"I think its the fucking economy or racism or maybe both," he says ," These grey chicks are obviously racist against us brown guys. The brown chicks are going for grey assholes these days because they have become such acorn diggers and trees seem to be dying off because these dickhead humans don't seem to have any money to water them anymore." He continues "Well its obviously a bullshit situation, and it has been a fucking coon's age since I have gotten laid."

When asked, Dr Petrayus says " I have no idea or where this squirrel could pick up on complex colloquialisms. Even I had to lookup the saying "coon's age" and I grew up in the south!"

Ankle put to the test and passed!

After a ruckus birthday celebration on Saturday night I decided to ignore a curb and step down it putting my foot at a 65% angle thus testing my ankle for stress factors. Good news is that it passed! I only sprained it! What I did not expect was that asking for a ride from some guy would lead him to call 911 and have all the police, fire, and EMS guys in town show up with sirens blazing. So I ended up scaring the crap of the whole family and set off every dog and cat in the neighborhood.

I give the Rye police a big thumbs up for their speedy response time and the fact that they didn't taze me. And thanks to the EMS guys for giving me a ride, in style, to the emergency room.

In New York now

Hey campers welcome from New York. I wish you well from about 25 miles north of Manhattan. This is the Empire State, where empires are built and more recently, liquidated and sold like PRGs at a garage sale in Baghdad. So this is where I am going to set up the set fast food chain stores server Kangaroo kebabs that I have always dreamed of. Ha! serving Kangaroos would inhuman because they are cute right? Well we can fix that by serving Humpback whale right? Ohh crap endangered! Well I could try to farm them...because I have this great idea to set up this store with a big whale head for the door and whale music inside and then you will come to a grill where we will serve them up like fish and chips. Don't forget to try our seasoned whale blubber frys!!

US Postal Service has introduced new "MILF rate"

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Bob Ross shows proven more effective than Demerol in government studies

These days the man with the big hair and the "happy trees" is really pissing off executives at the Pfizer drug company. Plasma screens with Bob Ross videos are steadily replacing the drug Demerol in hospitals and clinics around the country.

"We find that Bob Ross videos have twice the effectiveness of Demerol and the side effects are much more tolerable than the drugs." says Henry Hapsburg, the Dean of Medicine at the Harvard Teaching Hospital. He continues "The only thing we have to keep a watch over with Bob Ross videos is hypnotic effect it has on patients AND doctors.

We have had some near medical mishaps as doctors and patients experience the "Bob Ross drool effect"." "There is drool everywhere on the floors now, so we had to replace the pissed off janitors with new robots...which has really created a hell storm with the unions, but decreased costs" "Interestingly enough, the drool has cut down on restroom breaks, decreased stress, and increased productivity across the board. We just have to watch out for doctors drawn into the Bob Ross trance so that they don't do anything drastically wrong with a cast saw or catheter."