Health Physics Journal finds that Old People are immune to radiation

The prestigious Health Physics Journal has published a story establishing that the elderly are immune to all types and levels of radiation. While Chernobyl data had previously indicated that there was a trend between oldness and radiation invulnerability the researchers making the study had died before drawing any real conclusions. This new series of tests, sponsored by Dupont, put old people up against critical levels of radiation to find no immediate ill effects in their overall constitutions! The test subjects later lost all their hair and died, but this was attributed to acute old age syndrome and disregarded as a negative effect from the radiation. The results of this study has given the go ahead to a series of nuclear reactor/assisted living centers planned by a prominent developer from Houston. He excitedly explains "Radiation is good for old people! This study provies it." "If we can improve the lives of old people by giving them the radiation they need and produce power for the community of non old people, we have a win win situation on our hands" He adds "Besides the old people seem to really enjoy the glow of the reactor core at night, it adds a colorful dimension to their otherwise gray world". Many critics say that using only a few weeks of data that is sponsored by the Dupont oil company is putting innocent lives in danger and contravenes many international laws. Also critics state that the chernobyl data only showed better trends for old people because the young were dropping like flys. The developer, Mr Neddleson, adds "Who the hell cares about a few international treaties? Scientists are so full of problems I can always pay some new ones off because they are such alcoholics and adulterers anyway. These ones I payed off for this study are as good as any of the others". He finally adds "By the time the law catches up with me on this one I will be so rich I have my own space station filled with genetic super humans and monkeys to protect me anyway"

How many male models does it take to change a light bulb?

Two to climb the ladder, one grabs each step by his arms and another to push his ass behind him. Then the guy on top strikes a pose and grabs the light bulb (forgetting to turn it off, because changing light bulbs should be done before they go out right? He burns himself and has to be rescued by the paramedics and taken to the hospital) So yet another male model has to ascend the ladder while his muscular ass is pushed up it Then two new models have to come and turn the ladder while the guy holding the lightbulb on top holds a frilly pose. Then after they get the light bulb out there is the one that gets it stuck up his ass. So that is 2 + 1 +2 + 1 = 6 Sorry to have to add that out, I know math is no joking matter, but I had some mittens on.

Some thoughts on the "Miracle of Hudson"

Ok after watching the baptism of Flight 1549 in Hudson I have a few stupid things to say.   Number one is, captain Sulley or whatever your name is, update your Adult Friend Finder profile immediately!   I would say it is time to throw down with your wife on that 20-some with lingere models, horses, chicks bound in leather, hot midget chicks, jello pyramids, entire flight crews of hot chicks covered in oil, a slide lubricated by gallons of ky and a flow of hot chicks wearing crotchless clothing that you always wanted to hook up.  Hey and if you need any help filling those gaps...I will drop everything, even if it is heavy and sweaty, to make sure every gap is filled in that orgy on your behalf.   

Number two is a really far fetched system to try and create a plane rescue system from the missile defense technology from which we have pissed billions away into the fire. 1. Create a missile interceptor warhead that basically could glob onto to anything at point of impact  a so called inelastic collider of some sort.  2 Position these missiles througout the country in areas highly trafficked by commercial airlines.  3. Upon notification of an SOS state for an airliner launch these missile at such a trajectory to try and enable the plane to be assisted by them in a relatively safe spot to land  and then 4.  Attach some sort parachute and stabilizer system so that the warhead would attach itself to the crashing commercial plane and deploy a parachute and thruster system to try and bring the airline to a less catastrophic collision with the ground or water. 

Apple looks at cutting edge options for replacing Steve Jobs

Apple has considered turning Steve Jobs into a cybernetic organism against his will to keep the flagging company going.  An anonynous source inside apple says "Cyborg steve would give us 6 more years of full CEO functionality at an energy savings of 100% with virtually no family requirements at all."  The source also adds " But then there is the possibility that in the last year of his functionality he will go on a murderous rampage of engineers to extend his life cycle...you never know the liabilities of turning someone into a cybernetic organism."  Cyborg Steve would have an estimated 75% of the visionary capabilities of the current Steve Jobs so it is among the strategies being considered.  Also being considered is the genetic fusion of Steve Ives with Steve Jobs to produce an offspring that will entered into a matrix like virtual reality where their learning rate will offer vastly superior industrial designed computers and consumer electronic devices at a rate never seen before in the western world. "Currently we are weighing the pros and cons of all these incredibly high tech alternatives." the source added "Lets just hope all of these experiments don't lead to some pissed off self aware cyborg that decides to level Cupertino in an apocolyptic rage." 

Apple Replacement CEO Phil Shiller gives speach using the phrase 'cybernetic barnacle'

Replacement Apple CEO Phil Shiller gives an extremely awkward speech to a group of Apple employees that left most in attendence questioning his afinity for the barnacle sea creature.  Barnacle counters at the speech stated that over a dozen references to the mollusk were made in his speach about the absence of Jobs.  The peak moment of weirdness came when Phil stated 'All Apple can hope to be is a cybernetic barnacle on the boat of Steve Job's digital vision for the company'

The absence of Steve Jobs at Apple has left many employees clinging to whatever comfort they can  find.  Noel Price, an engineer at apple stated, "Yeah I have been hit hard by Job's abscence.  So I hit the scotch and smell my wifes used nylons more than usual these days."  

None has been apparently been impacted harder than Phil Schiller, Job's temporary replacement as CEO, as he clings to his sea creature friend, the barnacle, for comfort and support.  Schiller has been known to sing the praises of the barnacle and has a stuffed diorama of barnacles in his office.  Few knew, until today, how important the barnacle was to Schillers sense of well being.

This thing has grown into an amorphous blob

Since this blog started 1e-05 centuries ago I can now say it has now grown into a beast beyond my control.  I am not sure what its aims are (besides beer, coffee, food, and music and the cease of hostilities on squirrels, baby dolphins, prairie dogs...and other cute creatures).  But it will take bombers, and fighters, and tanks, and maybe the wave motion gun to end this blog. 

The Irish, what were they good for anyway?

In the golden years of Irish yore, the Irish were known for paintin themselves up like devilish white fairies, putin on kilts (or is that scottish...who cares), brandishin swords and plundering towns of peaceful dwarvin villagers.  When all that fun was ended by the romans, english, or whoever, it was pretty much all about getting drunk on Guinness and beatin the old wife until she was a genius.  Quite recently though, (1990) the Irish have been puttin down the Guinness and blunt wife beating instruments and heading to the coffeehouse and then the factory.  There they have been churning out cheap crappy computers by the metric assload at breakneck speed for relatively few lucky charms.  Well today all of that ends when Dell pulls out of limerick and shoots its load over to Warsaw.  Sorry Irish, you had your years in the sun, your cheap crappy computers, but now all you have is the literature of James Joyce and music of Enya to take solace in.  My advice is to chase down Enya and beat her senseless for selling 70 million crappy CDs that will make you the target of violence in every country worldwide.  

David Blaine attempts to stick the entire Burj Dubai up his ass

In his new series of tricks called "Things I can fit up my asshole", David Blaine is attempting to stick the Burj Dubai up his ass.  The Burj Dubai is a the crown jewel of new skyscrapers built in the city of Dubai.  The Burj is by far the largest building in the world and will be the largest thing David Blaine has fit up his ass...if the trick is completed.  Blaine has fit the largest cucumber in the world, a family of midgets, and a comfort inn outside of Des Moines up his ass in preparation for his trip to Dubai.  Now Blaine will have to make room for the Burj in a move that left every Gastroenterologist he consulted for advice, falling off their chairs with laughter. 

Porn bailout essential to economic recovery

I know most of what I cover is hard breaking news that effects you dramatically, but here is an opinion piece that is straight from my asshole called a mouth. 

 I am all for keeping the porn business well funded.  We should subsidize porn for the wealthy and the rest of populace will get their rocks off on the trickle down. (disgusting ehh?)  The important thing is that executives keep jerking off throughout the day and not doing anything "productive" at the megacorps they manage.  It is little well known that the steep decline in the credit market was preceded by a sharp decline in internet porn usage by Wall Street executives.  Perhaps porn deserves more credit that it gets.

New device will give cats access to internet

Dr Fuyugami has just released a new device that will translate cats brain waves so they can access the internet via the safari web browser.  The internet is expected to crash under the weight of searches for self grooming tips, catnip, world domination, ass smelling, and shiny things.

Gatorade introduces brisket flavored sports beverage

Marketed mostly in the deep south and Texas.  Don't confuse it with your cousin's gatorade bottle full of tobacco spit or a bottle of dirty dish water.  Company is not liable for cases of mistaken identity and the messes they create.

Hospital ejects deaf, dumb, blind, paraplegic, quadruple amputee with no insurance from emergency room

"We took him to the bus station and gave him fare" orderly Charles Sniggens stated.  "How the hell is he going to sue us?" Sniggens exclaimed while laughing 

Man finds parking in New York

Peter Grimley found a parking spot for his gold and wood paneled Hummer near the corner of 3rd ave and St marks Place.  He states "I have been trying to get the that spot for over a month straight, I have marks on my ass with hummer logos."  Later he went to a Lexus dealer to pick a new SUV adding "Who gives a crap if people need that spot I am keeping it...this inheritance money is not going to spend itself."

Chinese Announce Worlds Largest Manmade structure...

Hong Kong businessmen  have announced that a speedbump in Hong Kong will reach 900 meters by 2010. 

Test

Testing, testing, god help me if this works