Ned Beatty "really pissed" over the sugestion that the flu from pigs be named after him

Source of swine flu revealed to be movie set in Mexico city

Catholic priest practices effective birth control by only having sex with young boys

"I Love Lucy" remake is planned to be called "I used to love Lucy, but now I hate that bitch.", this fall season.

This fall "I used to love Lucy, but now I hate that bitch." will show in a prime time slot. Tom Hanks and Victoria Jackson will star as the estranged couple in the remake of the classic 50s sitcom. They will deal with the more modern issues of married life, such as internet porn addiction, painkillers, anti-depressants, and reality TV shows. "Basically it will be like I love lucy, but now I hate lucy because she took half my money and my kids after I started drinking and sleeping with bimbos at work."

Rye police department to station cop in every household

The city of Rye, New York announced today that it would institute its "Cop in Every Household" plan. "Today we plan to station an officer in every house in Rye, making this city the safest in the known universe." "Each house will be provided free donuts and extra toilet paper to handle the influx of a cop into each household." "We understand that adding a cop to each house in Rye will be a burden to some, but just imagine how much safer you will feel when you get up in the morning and find a cop sitting in his/her underwear eating rice crispies with you and your kids." "Or just imagine how much more discipline there will be when your kid is caught and tazered while sneaking back into the house after a long night partying." "These are just some of the duties that the cop per house program will dispense."

Cure for cancer lost on Long Island Expressway

Dr. Jack Kevorkian writes new "eat your way to death" diet book

Area woman wishes somebody would call...anybody

Area woman finds herself wishing anyone would call her. "I don't give a crap if you are a solicitor or making a death threat...please call me, if you are a man" area woman says. In an attempt to men get people to call her she has put her name, phone number, and a nude picture on the bathroom wall of a number of men's bathrooms in the area.

Mononucleosis named State Disease of Connecticut

The 118th congress of The State of Connecticut has declared that Mononucleosis is the State Disease of Connecticut. State senator Chris Fatima stated, "At first we just thought the name was cool, so we totally made up the State Disease of Connecticut title and put the disease Mononucleosis on the bill." "We especially like the 'nucleosis' part of the name and wish that more diseases be named with 'nucleosis' in them." "We started digging about and found that the disease is perfect for our state, because the symptoms match normal reactions to life in Connecticut." "Most people placidly go about their lives in this state, so its natural to feel a sense of chronic fatigue even when driving through this wasteland named Connecticut." "Let's face it, this state is a boring suburban wasteland leached onto New York...oh god please let the sweet release of death come soon"

Salt Lake city resident shot with taser 22 times for jaywalking.

Salt Lake city resident George Gregos was shot with a taser a record 22 times after jaywalking at the corner of Westin Ave and 5th street.

In an concerted zero tolerance operation between the Salt Lake city PD anti-jaywalking squad and the FBI, paid for by homeland security funds, jay walkers were treated to new law enforcement techniques that were prototyped in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Area Man stops all known forms of known human communication, starts barking and purring

After being laid off by the Molex corporation area man David Duvine stops all form of known human communication and resorts to barking and purring to communicate.

Follow my blog or I will electrocute a Dolphin

Seriously, this is a fucking joke. Nothing in this blog is true...except the fact that I am in New York now. So if you are an wacko that actually reads this and is motivated to calling the ASPCA don't say I didn't warn you when they laugh their asses of at you for taking this as a serious threat to animals. I couldn't afford a dolphin anyway. If you want to send me some money for me to buy a dolphin I will spend it on beer anyway.

Man strips to "stripped"

Donald Caruthers of West Manasset Connecticut was cited for putting on a striptease display at a local Starbucks to the Depeche Mode song "Stripped" according the police blotter in the Cold Snow County Register.

In an incident viewed as "The 9-11 for Sheboygan Springs", village council members are hounding the federal government for more home security funding in the wake of the strip tease display. "Life will never be the same in Sheboygan," said village elder Gahan Slim. "Lutheran churces are overloaded with those in mourning for the part of their lives lost to seeing this man in nothing but his briefs." "I just want a piece of my life before back," said mourner Lindsay Leeper "to say this man's man boobs were just...enourmous would be a drastic understatement. Their impact on my life will be felt for years. The children will never be the same, there is an unspoken trauma that they have been a part of now." Red Cross volunteer coordinator Kep Catsgrin added "We get these kind of calls a lot. Some pasty skinned out of shape middle aged asshole gets caught up in the music and sometimes strips! Thats where we have to get called in to try and bring back a part of these peoples lives back, we have to be there to tell them that all is ok ."

Dog excited about new barking opportunities

Area Dog "Toodles" is exited to be moving into a junkyard after growing up in the northern suburbs of New York City. Human Canine communication experts claim that "Toodles" has always wanted be a junkyard dog is excited to be afforded the many new opportunities to express his vicious side. After owner Mark Numar had been furloughed from his job in middle management at the Stripeled corportation he was forced into living in a junkyard with his Unkle Ramun Numar after the bank foreclosed on posh estate in Kepgrove New York.

"It's all that stupid dog's fault" says Mr Numar, "He was caught humping my bosses cat". After Mr Numar was cited for unlawful inter-species mating, he was "forced into a self-destructive cycle" where he was caught trying to "re-paint his bosses car to pink" with a large number of spray paint cans he had bought from the local Walmart.

"Its not my fault they sale Jack Daniels and paint at the same place" claims Mr Numar.

State opens school for smelling impaired

New York state has established a school for the smelling impaired with funds taken from state orphanages. "With this money we shall offer a new world to those that can't smell. " Stated by David Patterson in a press conference from his newly renovated Greek renaissance style mansion. "We shalll offer free implants to those that can't smell and make the poor kids pay for it." When asked why the funds would be taken from poor kids he stated, "Screw 'em, their poor."

Area squirrel hasn't gotten laid in a "coon's age"

A male brown squirrel located in Westchester county New York, hasn't successfully been able to mate for an estimated two consecutive spring seasons. Scientists from Columbia University have been studying brain patterns in male squirrels in the greater New York City area. They have been able to tap into the brain waves of a select group of local squirrels who to appear to have complain about not mating recently. Chief egghead Lawrence Petrayus comments "We have been able to use a new brain wave patterning technology to pick apart their thoughts and emotions." "This really a huge breakthrough in rodent human inter-species communication, we are on the verge of a whole new age". Dr Petrayus says the following is a precise transcript what we believe are the thoughts of the frustrated squirrel.

"I think its the fucking economy or racism or maybe both," he says ," These grey chicks are obviously racist against us brown guys. The brown chicks are going for grey assholes these days because they have become such acorn diggers and trees seem to be dying off because these dickhead humans don't seem to have any money to water them anymore." He continues "Well its obviously a bullshit situation, and it has been a fucking coon's age since I have gotten laid."

When asked, Dr Petrayus says " I have no idea or where this squirrel could pick up on complex colloquialisms. Even I had to lookup the saying "coon's age" and I grew up in the south!"

Ankle put to the test and passed!

After a ruckus birthday celebration on Saturday night I decided to ignore a curb and step down it putting my foot at a 65% angle thus testing my ankle for stress factors. Good news is that it passed! I only sprained it! What I did not expect was that asking for a ride from some guy would lead him to call 911 and have all the police, fire, and EMS guys in town show up with sirens blazing. So I ended up scaring the crap of the whole family and set off every dog and cat in the neighborhood.

I give the Rye police a big thumbs up for their speedy response time and the fact that they didn't taze me. And thanks to the EMS guys for giving me a ride, in style, to the emergency room.

In New York now

Hey campers welcome from New York. I wish you well from about 25 miles north of Manhattan. This is the Empire State, where empires are built and more recently, liquidated and sold like PRGs at a garage sale in Baghdad. So this is where I am going to set up the set fast food chain stores server Kangaroo kebabs that I have always dreamed of. Ha! serving Kangaroos would inhuman because they are cute right? Well we can fix that by serving Humpback whale right? Ohh crap endangered! Well I could try to farm them...because I have this great idea to set up this store with a big whale head for the door and whale music inside and then you will come to a grill where we will serve them up like fish and chips. Don't forget to try our seasoned whale blubber frys!!

US Postal Service has introduced new "MILF rate"

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Bob Ross shows proven more effective than Demerol in government studies

These days the man with the big hair and the "happy trees" is really pissing off executives at the Pfizer drug company. Plasma screens with Bob Ross videos are steadily replacing the drug Demerol in hospitals and clinics around the country.

"We find that Bob Ross videos have twice the effectiveness of Demerol and the side effects are much more tolerable than the drugs." says Henry Hapsburg, the Dean of Medicine at the Harvard Teaching Hospital. He continues "The only thing we have to keep a watch over with Bob Ross videos is hypnotic effect it has on patients AND doctors.

We have had some near medical mishaps as doctors and patients experience the "Bob Ross drool effect"." "There is drool everywhere on the floors now, so we had to replace the pissed off janitors with new robots...which has really created a hell storm with the unions, but decreased costs" "Interestingly enough, the drool has cut down on restroom breaks, decreased stress, and increased productivity across the board. We just have to watch out for doctors drawn into the Bob Ross trance so that they don't do anything drastically wrong with a cast saw or catheter."

Con-men getting hit hard by the economic crisis

Russell Smith of The Totally Useless Index corporation keeps careful watch of the numbers in his Slimeball index and has reported that numbers across the board are dramatically down this quarter.

"We seeing a real big downturn in the amount money these sleaze are getting conning old and weak people out of." "Before these people that get conned lost their life savings to preachers and long-con artists, now its stock-brokers, mortgage backed securities, and ponzi-scheme artists that are getting all of the play."

"You just don't see these con artist assholes buying cigar boats and spending the money to get these gold digger trophy bimbos to sit in their bikinis on the back engine cover cushions while their big tits bounce along with the waves they are creating as they carelessly plow through no wake zones at high speed anymore." "Its really much more peaceful in the waters of Daytona or South Padre these days...and that is a sad fact that comes with these economically troubled times."

Green Peace Whale Warriors stop fighting Japanese whalers after realizing how delicious Humpback whale tastes

This week the Greenpeace ship "whale warrior one" gave up whale warrior operations against the Japanese whaling fleet hunting for the endangered humpback whale and headed back to Seattle after realizing how actually delicious the humpback was.

Greenpeace Vice President of Whale Operations Greg Nseer (name unpronounceable) "Yeah they showed up drunk and eating leftover whale meat dinners. They almost took out the whole fisherman's wharf when they decided forgo to steering the ship after they got into Seattle harbor. Apparently the idiots tied the wheel to the captains chair and left the throttle to full deciding that everyone should participate in an orgy of leftover seared humpback and sake they got in barter for wasabi. They saw dry land and just headed for it at high speed"

Greg Nseer explains the dramatic scene as the Whale warrior one comes back into the harbor. "So we saw a ship coming into Seattle harbor at full speed and helplessly watched as they crashed right into the Fisherman's wharf. They destroyed a cotton candy stand, a stand that serves chowder in bread bowls, and even a fucking world wildlife foundation stuffed animal kiosk". "We thought what kind of idiots would do something that stupid? and just continued eating our vegetarian lunch". Greg laments "We found out it was Whale warrior one when the lawyers for the World wildlife foundation and the press paid us a friendly visit.

First deck mate Sage Rainbow-Holocaust explains details of what had happened on Whale Warrior One. "Well we meant well, we just got a little carried away when our supply of Wasabi sauce ran out so we declared a truce with Japanese flag ship and sent over a dingy to procure the wasabi for our vegetarian sushi lunches." She continues "The dingy came back full japanese of japanese sushi chefs." "It was incredible, we just watched in awe as they turned the ships shitty little galley into a full 5 star kitchen. It was like that Star Trek episode where the Borg cooked for the entire enterprise err....maybe that was some other show or something." "Anyway they served us this stuff seared with a delicious Gorgonzola suace" "I asked the chef if this was vegetarian and he just kept nodding and smiling...so I had no idea what I was eating ok!" "Everything was so delicious and we ate a ton of it." "After that I just had no interest in doing anything...all the colors were so brilliant". "The next thing I know I wake up totally naked and for some reason I had wasabi in my cooch"

Captain Swift Hunter elaborates "I think that the humpback is the most delicious thing I have ever eaten. If we could only shrink them down and farm them...we could make millions!"

"Don't bother us while we are eating" the nations CEOs say almost unanimously

This week, a survey done by the fat fucks at the Heritage foundation found that 99% of CEOs are enraged when people do not respect their lunch hours by making calls their private cell phones. Chrysler CEO Howie Stetsler explains how he feels when when asked during an interview with Heritage's reporter Mark Fuhrman for the survey.

Mr Fuhrman asks "So what exactly is you grievance against people calling your on your lunch hour?". To which Mr Stetsler replies "People obviously don't get that laying people off takes a shitload of energy and I need downtime/relaxation/pussy. In other words don't call me on my fucking lunch hour.", says Chrysler big wig Howie Stetsler. "I mean jesus christ, its blah blah blah this from union people with their "its christmas time please don't leave people in the cold" thing , then is blah blah that from the goddamned saints in HR who "have found a way to save 3000 jobs!!"". Mr Fuhrman states "Well those obviously sound like legitimate reasons to call you anytime sir, you are after all the creme of the corporate crop with Ivy League degrees, a word class salary, and access to a private jet." Stetsler replies "I don't really give a shit about there so called "crisis" situations or saving jobs, I am trying to fucking eat my seared humpback whale in peace! These people are the lucky ones that haven't been replaced by robots or been sent to India, they should leave the me fuck alone and be grateful for leniency I have shown them."

Stetsler tells "One time I spent months and like a couple hundred grand trying to get reservations at Wolfgang Puck's new underwater restaurant (Le Whale). And then I had to spend a couple of million fucking chartering a submarine to the restaurant so that I could get this hot bimbo from accounting with huge knockers and a pencil waist and we could make the reservation before she gets laid off (with the rest of the worthless bimbo accountants), because the regular submarine ferry service is full!!!!!". Stetsler says "I mean millions of dollars and decades in man hours so I can get laid by this hot chick underwater after eating endangered humpback whale in peace on my lunch hour, with no calls. Is that too much to ask?" With astonishment Stetsler adds, " And then I find that the restaurant has added cell towers placed underwater for some god forsaken reason, jesus christ on a pencil stick!! Then the fucking nerve of people that have the balls to call me on my lunch hour about some employee "crisis" while I have spent so much effort to get this date, should have their balls chopped off!!!!!!!!". Stetsler finally says when interviewed "Can't I get laid underwater, after eating whale meat, and spending millions of corporate dollars in peace????!!!!"

Mark Fuhrman asks "Mr Stetlser, don't you think that is a blatant waste or corporate money and goes against your duties as the CEO of a major corporation?" Mr Stetlser answers, "Leave me the fuck alone I need to go kill some baby seals and take some steam off. Sheeesh!!!!"

Iraqi General "Chemical" Ali mistaken for "Photochemical" Ali the Photomat manager

An oversight committee has revealed that US troops killed a photomat manager instead of a general who was accused of using chemical weapons on civilians during the Iran Iraq war.

The committee revealed that the real chemical Ali was spotted as a judge at a film festival, judging films on the death of civilians in war. He suspiciously mentioned "You should have seen the faces of the ones I butchered" to Michael Moore, who assumed mister Ali was talking about the animals he butchered at his popular chain of meat markets.

Apparently US forces also missed the fact that mister Ali had opened up a chain of meat markets called "Ali the Butcher of many people and animals, Fresh Meats and Noxious Chemicals " with the reconstruction money offered by the US administration. "We assumed he was an entrepreneur that bared a strong resemblance to the fugitive, but he had gold teeth which the original chemical Ali did not have". Michael Moore commented "He made some of best pastrami I ever had, its too bad he was a mass murderer, because he had talent and a good eye for war movies"

Further investigations found a coverup by US troops of the chemicals found at the house of the photomat manager they had shot, stabbed, and finally fired hellfire missiles at. The investigations showed that they found gallons of photodeveloper at Mr Alis residence. The investigation also found a scribbled note in the file of the operation which read "Oops we killed "photochemical" Ali the local photomat operator and his whole family our bad." The note appeared to be redrafted with red lines so that it read "We killed "chemical" Ali and his whole family" and was sent to the UPI as a press release noting the death of "Chemical" Ali.

Poem on Coffee

Coffee in, Coffee out, speedy travel is what it's all about
Gulp it down and pinch your nose if its cheap and yucky
Drink it slowly and enjoy its flavor, if its freshly roasted, you got lucky!

DMX makes a cover of the jazz classic “The Girl from Ipanema” called “The Hairy Bitch from Ipa(nema)”

Arista records is proud to announce that cutting edge hip hop artist DMX has a cover of the jazz classic “The Girl from Ipanema” called the “The Hairy Bitch from Ipa(nema)”. DMX adds his signature baselines and boisterous barking and vocals to make the “The Hairy Bitch from Ipa(nema)” into a hip hop masterpiece.

When asked about his motivations behind creating the cover he states “Yo dog I just kept jonesin when I was hearing all of this foreign language shit, and then I was enraged when this english chick starts talking about about how this hairy bitch was dissin one of the best jazz playas in the world.” DMX adds, “ So dog, I shit out this version, in true DMX style, where this nappy bitch does a back flip and lands on my man’s dick the minute he throws down on this stuck up ho. Shit he doesn't have tell her he loves her boney ass, I flipped the bitch, where she can't get enough of his dick."

Man kills last of extinct fly specie with Buddhist holy book.

The fly was the parnivas wholecanloieus and was killed by Josh Branston of Eaton, Ill with his newly minted version of the Bhagavad Gita "The divine song of god" a holy text that advocates peace towards all animals and insect species.

Health Physics Journal finds that Old People are immune to radiation

The prestigious Health Physics Journal has published a story establishing that the elderly are immune to all types and levels of radiation. While Chernobyl data had previously indicated that there was a trend between oldness and radiation invulnerability the researchers making the study had died before drawing any real conclusions. This new series of tests, sponsored by Dupont, put old people up against critical levels of radiation to find no immediate ill effects in their overall constitutions! The test subjects later lost all their hair and died, but this was attributed to acute old age syndrome and disregarded as a negative effect from the radiation. The results of this study has given the go ahead to a series of nuclear reactor/assisted living centers planned by a prominent developer from Houston. He excitedly explains "Radiation is good for old people! This study provies it." "If we can improve the lives of old people by giving them the radiation they need and produce power for the community of non old people, we have a win win situation on our hands" He adds "Besides the old people seem to really enjoy the glow of the reactor core at night, it adds a colorful dimension to their otherwise gray world". Many critics say that using only a few weeks of data that is sponsored by the Dupont oil company is putting innocent lives in danger and contravenes many international laws. Also critics state that the chernobyl data only showed better trends for old people because the young were dropping like flys. The developer, Mr Neddleson, adds "Who the hell cares about a few international treaties? Scientists are so full of problems I can always pay some new ones off because they are such alcoholics and adulterers anyway. These ones I payed off for this study are as good as any of the others". He finally adds "By the time the law catches up with me on this one I will be so rich I have my own space station filled with genetic super humans and monkeys to protect me anyway"

How many male models does it take to change a light bulb?

Two to climb the ladder, one grabs each step by his arms and another to push his ass behind him. Then the guy on top strikes a pose and grabs the light bulb (forgetting to turn it off, because changing light bulbs should be done before they go out right? He burns himself and has to be rescued by the paramedics and taken to the hospital) So yet another male model has to ascend the ladder while his muscular ass is pushed up it Then two new models have to come and turn the ladder while the guy holding the lightbulb on top holds a frilly pose. Then after they get the light bulb out there is the one that gets it stuck up his ass. So that is 2 + 1 +2 + 1 = 6 Sorry to have to add that out, I know math is no joking matter, but I had some mittens on.

Some thoughts on the "Miracle of Hudson"

Ok after watching the baptism of Flight 1549 in Hudson I have a few stupid things to say.   Number one is, captain Sulley or whatever your name is, update your Adult Friend Finder profile immediately!   I would say it is time to throw down with your wife on that 20-some with lingere models, horses, chicks bound in leather, hot midget chicks, jello pyramids, entire flight crews of hot chicks covered in oil, a slide lubricated by gallons of ky and a flow of hot chicks wearing crotchless clothing that you always wanted to hook up.  Hey and if you need any help filling those gaps...I will drop everything, even if it is heavy and sweaty, to make sure every gap is filled in that orgy on your behalf.   

Number two is a really far fetched system to try and create a plane rescue system from the missile defense technology from which we have pissed billions away into the fire. 1. Create a missile interceptor warhead that basically could glob onto to anything at point of impact  a so called inelastic collider of some sort.  2 Position these missiles througout the country in areas highly trafficked by commercial airlines.  3. Upon notification of an SOS state for an airliner launch these missile at such a trajectory to try and enable the plane to be assisted by them in a relatively safe spot to land  and then 4.  Attach some sort parachute and stabilizer system so that the warhead would attach itself to the crashing commercial plane and deploy a parachute and thruster system to try and bring the airline to a less catastrophic collision with the ground or water. 

Apple looks at cutting edge options for replacing Steve Jobs

Apple has considered turning Steve Jobs into a cybernetic organism against his will to keep the flagging company going.  An anonynous source inside apple says "Cyborg steve would give us 6 more years of full CEO functionality at an energy savings of 100% with virtually no family requirements at all."  The source also adds " But then there is the possibility that in the last year of his functionality he will go on a murderous rampage of engineers to extend his life cycle...you never know the liabilities of turning someone into a cybernetic organism."  Cyborg Steve would have an estimated 75% of the visionary capabilities of the current Steve Jobs so it is among the strategies being considered.  Also being considered is the genetic fusion of Steve Ives with Steve Jobs to produce an offspring that will entered into a matrix like virtual reality where their learning rate will offer vastly superior industrial designed computers and consumer electronic devices at a rate never seen before in the western world. "Currently we are weighing the pros and cons of all these incredibly high tech alternatives." the source added "Lets just hope all of these experiments don't lead to some pissed off self aware cyborg that decides to level Cupertino in an apocolyptic rage." 

Apple Replacement CEO Phil Shiller gives speach using the phrase 'cybernetic barnacle'

Replacement Apple CEO Phil Shiller gives an extremely awkward speech to a group of Apple employees that left most in attendence questioning his afinity for the barnacle sea creature.  Barnacle counters at the speech stated that over a dozen references to the mollusk were made in his speach about the absence of Jobs.  The peak moment of weirdness came when Phil stated 'All Apple can hope to be is a cybernetic barnacle on the boat of Steve Job's digital vision for the company'

The absence of Steve Jobs at Apple has left many employees clinging to whatever comfort they can  find.  Noel Price, an engineer at apple stated, "Yeah I have been hit hard by Job's abscence.  So I hit the scotch and smell my wifes used nylons more than usual these days."  

None has been apparently been impacted harder than Phil Schiller, Job's temporary replacement as CEO, as he clings to his sea creature friend, the barnacle, for comfort and support.  Schiller has been known to sing the praises of the barnacle and has a stuffed diorama of barnacles in his office.  Few knew, until today, how important the barnacle was to Schillers sense of well being.

This thing has grown into an amorphous blob

Since this blog started 1e-05 centuries ago I can now say it has now grown into a beast beyond my control.  I am not sure what its aims are (besides beer, coffee, food, and music and the cease of hostilities on squirrels, baby dolphins, prairie dogs...and other cute creatures).  But it will take bombers, and fighters, and tanks, and maybe the wave motion gun to end this blog. 

The Irish, what were they good for anyway?

In the golden years of Irish yore, the Irish were known for paintin themselves up like devilish white fairies, putin on kilts (or is that scottish...who cares), brandishin swords and plundering towns of peaceful dwarvin villagers.  When all that fun was ended by the romans, english, or whoever, it was pretty much all about getting drunk on Guinness and beatin the old wife until she was a genius.  Quite recently though, (1990) the Irish have been puttin down the Guinness and blunt wife beating instruments and heading to the coffeehouse and then the factory.  There they have been churning out cheap crappy computers by the metric assload at breakneck speed for relatively few lucky charms.  Well today all of that ends when Dell pulls out of limerick and shoots its load over to Warsaw.  Sorry Irish, you had your years in the sun, your cheap crappy computers, but now all you have is the literature of James Joyce and music of Enya to take solace in.  My advice is to chase down Enya and beat her senseless for selling 70 million crappy CDs that will make you the target of violence in every country worldwide.  

David Blaine attempts to stick the entire Burj Dubai up his ass

In his new series of tricks called "Things I can fit up my asshole", David Blaine is attempting to stick the Burj Dubai up his ass.  The Burj Dubai is a the crown jewel of new skyscrapers built in the city of Dubai.  The Burj is by far the largest building in the world and will be the largest thing David Blaine has fit up his ass...if the trick is completed.  Blaine has fit the largest cucumber in the world, a family of midgets, and a comfort inn outside of Des Moines up his ass in preparation for his trip to Dubai.  Now Blaine will have to make room for the Burj in a move that left every Gastroenterologist he consulted for advice, falling off their chairs with laughter. 

Porn bailout essential to economic recovery

I know most of what I cover is hard breaking news that effects you dramatically, but here is an opinion piece that is straight from my asshole called a mouth. 

 I am all for keeping the porn business well funded.  We should subsidize porn for the wealthy and the rest of populace will get their rocks off on the trickle down. (disgusting ehh?)  The important thing is that executives keep jerking off throughout the day and not doing anything "productive" at the megacorps they manage.  It is little well known that the steep decline in the credit market was preceded by a sharp decline in internet porn usage by Wall Street executives.  Perhaps porn deserves more credit that it gets.

New device will give cats access to internet

Dr Fuyugami has just released a new device that will translate cats brain waves so they can access the internet via the safari web browser.  The internet is expected to crash under the weight of searches for self grooming tips, catnip, world domination, ass smelling, and shiny things.

Gatorade introduces brisket flavored sports beverage

Marketed mostly in the deep south and Texas.  Don't confuse it with your cousin's gatorade bottle full of tobacco spit or a bottle of dirty dish water.  Company is not liable for cases of mistaken identity and the messes they create.

Hospital ejects deaf, dumb, blind, paraplegic, quadruple amputee with no insurance from emergency room

"We took him to the bus station and gave him fare" orderly Charles Sniggens stated.  "How the hell is he going to sue us?" Sniggens exclaimed while laughing 

Man finds parking in New York

Peter Grimley found a parking spot for his gold and wood paneled Hummer near the corner of 3rd ave and St marks Place.  He states "I have been trying to get the that spot for over a month straight, I have marks on my ass with hummer logos."  Later he went to a Lexus dealer to pick a new SUV adding "Who gives a crap if people need that spot I am keeping it...this inheritance money is not going to spend itself."

Chinese Announce Worlds Largest Manmade structure...

Hong Kong businessmen  have announced that a speedbump in Hong Kong will reach 900 meters by 2010. 

Test

Testing, testing, god help me if this works